Heterosexuality

According to a Google Image Search, this is what the ever-elusive anti-heterosexual man looks like.

A heterosexual is a male who is not afraid to boink non-furry, non-fat, non-feminist women, or a woman who is not too stupid to reject said man's advances (resulting in rape. But that's OK, because rape is always funny. It is the prided trademark of the heterosexual male. It is much better than becoming a waste of space.

How to Identify Heterosexuals

File:Breeders.jpg

Heteros? With hair like that? Bitch, please.

Males:

A badass Simian swagger
Affection for sports and manufactured beer (not pussy-ass wine)
When drunk, sexually harasses females.
Can identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
If all else fails, stick a cock in his ass. If he kills you, he's probably a heterosexual.

Females:

Cry a lot
Cannot field-strip an assault rifle
Cannot name more than three Indigo Girls songs
Unable to identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
Get almost raped a lot

Encounters with Heterosexuals

File:I don't drink with heterosexuals.jpg

Don't drink in mixed company

Should you encounter a heterosexual male in its natural habitat:
Don't do anything. Unless you are a heterosexual woman, in which case, a prompt gift of head-giving or surrender to surprise sex would be the most honorable action taken.
Should you encounter a heterosexual on LiveJournal:
- Pinch yourself
- You should wake up promptly

Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")

File:Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.png

CHB keeping it reals

Interactions with Female Heterosexuals

Fags: Heterosexuals are known for being several months to several years behind the curve on all things hip (particularly those that involve fabric for some reason). For this reason, heterosexual women may ask you to give them makeovers, redecorate their apartments, or go shopping with them—or worst of all, teach them to smoke a pole. No matter what you do, do not give in to their requests. As the saying goes, you can lead a whore to Prada but you can't make her think. As with baby birds fallen from a nest, it's best to let nature take its course.
Dykes: Heterosexual females will complain to you about men incessantly, hoping to play on your natural inborn hatred of all cockbearers. This is an excellent opportunity to get them to fill out an application. Start by agreeing that leaving the toilet seat up is an unforgiveable sin (even though you yourself probably pee standing up), then gradually work towards loaning her your Birkenstocks and maybe even taking her to a Womyn's Music Festival. Before you know it, you'll be one step closer to your monthly quota.

Interactions with Male Heterosexuals

Fags: Heterosexual males are all probably secretly gay, and dress and groom poorly merely to divert attention from their inner queer. Gay men should remember this at all times and flirt with them shamelessly. Remember: the free $100 Barney's gift certificate is available every ten recruits.
Dykes: Heterosexual men will either ask you exactly what it is you do in bed, or will attempt to involve you in a threeway with their heterosexual (or possibly bi-curious) girlfriend. In response to the former, make shit up—the more physiologically or morally unlikely, the better. Bonus points for including any sort of complex mechanical or electrical apparatus that does not belong in the pu55y, such as in-ground garden sprinkler systems. For the latter, see above. If you come to the man's house and you find out his bi-curious girlfriend doesn't actually exist and this was all a lie to have sex with you, you can do two things. A). Pretend you were almost raped and bitch about it on Livejournal or B). rape him in the ass with a strap on.

Heterosexual Super Powers

Heterosexuals also possess the creepy ability to make people out of nothing, a form of black magic some seek to eradicate which others believe entitles them to be treated like gods.

List of Heterosexuals

Douglas H.
Travis Bickle
Arnold Schwarzenegger?