Donald Trump

Remember how in high school elections, the kid who promised soda machines and pizza for lunch every day always won? Meet their God.

Donald J. "Kick Their Ass and Take Their Gas" Trump (b. 1946), a.k.a. "John Miller", "John Barron", and "Mr. Brexit",is a heel wrestling personality, Nobel Prize nominee, and a perennial candidate for U.S. President. In the summer of 2015 he commandeered the Republican Clown Car, running on the hazy slogan of "Make America Hate Great Again". Nowadays, Trump markets himself as a Turbo-Wingnut: he's a climate change denier, is militantly pro-life, wants to toughen up America by building a Great Wall of Mexico,eliminating the Department of Education, thinks vaccines cause autism, yada yada. His Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, has more sensible policies on all these issues. This is a substantial reversion of his earlier positions: Trump used to be pro-choice, pro-universal health care, and has donated more than half a million dollars to Democrats over the last two decades, including to the Wicked Witch of the East. Despite his campaign mythologizing around his path to the presidency somehow "coming from outside the system" and being "free of cronyism" (imagining a Democrat-disgruntled working class being the ones to carry him into office), actual Trump supporters generally have above average incomes, typical of the same voter demographic that's always supported the GOP. In American terms, Trump is pretty much styling himself as the second coming of Andrew Jackson, complete with his plan for a new Trail of Tears. In turn, Trump actually appears to have secured the conspiracy theorist vote. He's loud and flashy. He's brash and a bit of a douchebag. He's a li'l bit sexist and a li'l bit racist. He has the complexion of a bruised orange. That's the essence of his persona, and all that anybody really knows about this "blue-collar billionaire." For those who haven't swallowed his attempts at "branding" himself hook, line and sinker, it's obvious that Trump stopped being a real person sometime around the mid-1980s, around the time he developed an diet pill (amphetamine) addiction. Trump's tendency towards using the hyper-superlative and his severe disconnect from truth give him one true superlative: his is an unsurpassed bullshit artist, and make him an exceedingly difficult candidate for winning even a seemingly trivial libel lawsuit about his alleged net worth.