Difference between revisions of "Sex"

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'''Gender''' is the attribute of being either [[male]] or [[female]]. Gender differs from sex in that while sex deals with the biological attributes of male and female, gender may be understood more as a cultural concept and a complex set of learned behaviors that is contingent not only on culture, but also on history. Gender roles and expecatations are always in flux and vary from one society to another and one time to another. Thus, the qualities and behaviors expected of [[women]] by a particular society at a particular historical time is called [[femininity]]; [[masculinity]] is what is expected of [[men]] in a particular cultural and historical setting.
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'''Sex''' ==What is sex?==
 +
[[Image:Godzilla_Sex.JPG|thumb|Godzilla molesting Mechagodzilla's beautiful p*nis because Mechagodzilla's pregnant with [[Oscar Wilde]].|200px]]
 +
The Oxford English Dictionary describes sex as the act of a male stabbing a female repeatedly with the pointy end of his pelvis, but the real truth is that sex is a made-up interaction between males and females made by daddys and mommys (or in some cases daddys and daddys or mommys and mommys) in order to cover up the real way little boys and girls are made. They also do it for fun.
 +
The real way boys and girls are made is via the processes of [[adoption]]. In actual fact every child is put up for adoption on eBay where anyone can purchase their very own baby boy/girl/thing. The babies are created on a far off planet by the Galactic Emperor [[Xenu]], over 70 million years ago by [[L. Ron Hubbard]] and his [[Scientology]] followers. On his planet, next to the Pringles factory, each is individually wrapped and all air is sucked out of the container - for the hell of it, so that when the packet opens it goes "pop" (complementary Pringle crisp included). After packing, the baby is then sent via the local 1337 bus down to earth where it is given to the parent and then popped open and used.
 +
So you see little children, you are all adopted, and your parents lie.
 +
[[Image:Thunder fat kid.gif|thumb|A fat man having thunder sex ]]
 +
==Warning!!!==
 +
Do not have sex if operating heavy machinery or any other vehicle that you need a [[p*nis]] to operate (including a condom).  Do not spill seed upon the ground, this is a known [[carcinogen]] and may result in death or worse, loss of your genitals.
  
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An organism's sex category reflects its biological reproductive function rather than its sexuality or other behavior. The female sex is defined as the one which produces the larger gamete and which typically bears the offspring. In contrast, the male sex has a smaller gamete and rarely bears offspring. In some animals, sex may be assigned to specific structures rather than the entire organism. Earthworms, for example, are normally hermaphrodites.
+
Worse still, Zeus may strike you down from where you stand with a big spermy lightning bolt from [[masturbating]] while watching you have sex.
  
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Alternately, "gender" may be defined to be the norm of social conduct, based on sex. That is, "sex" defines what is biologically present, whereas "gender" defines what society expects of persons of different sexes. The distinction is important: the law tends to forbid discrimination on the basis of both (effeminate men cannot be fired for not acting according to their "gender"), but matters in terms of more abstracted social and legal arguments.
+
Receiving anal sex whilst in the holy country of Palestine will reuslt in death by fruiting... unless it is by the Holy Prophet, then its a "HIGH FIIIIIVE I LIKE YOUUU!".
  
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[[category:biology]]
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==Sex And You==
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[[category:sociology]]
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[[You]] will never have sex. Never (Carly Steffes). [[You]] will try your entire life to get some hint of what actual sex really is, but will never succeed.  All of your [[friends]] will have sex, and later brag to you about how awesome it was.  Many of your girlfriends will give the impression that they want to have sex, but when you lean in on them, they'll change their minds at the last minute.  It is possible that you think you are getting sex, but trust me, that's not sex.  If you're [[gay]], which you are, you will get stuck with the small percentage of celibate gay men known as boyfriends.  If you're a girl, you will get and have sex whenever and wherever you wish. (Given that you don't weigh 0-20oz, 65-85lbs, or 165-865lbs, or look like [[Monica Lewinsky]].)  You can have sex by putting your ding-dong in a woman's doughnut hole and shaking it like Andre 3000.  Remember to pull out, or the [[Flying Spaghetti Monster]] will come to join!
 +
 
 +
All hope is not lost however, you still have your right [[hand]].
 +
 
 +
== [[Botany|Botanical]] explanation ==
 +
 
 +
Specifically, The Sex is the a sexual technique usually known as ''making whoopie'', in which [[scientists]] believe the [[P*nis|wee-wee]] must go into the [[Vagina|woo-woo]][[Image:Early-film.jpg|thumb|Simplified Diagram of Wee-wee/Woo-woo Interaction on a 1999 series of US postage stamps commemorating the invention of sex.]]. The Sex is usually performed by human men on [[Stoat Molesting|stoats]], though a significant minority prefer [[little girls]] or [[Little Boy Fancy Magazine|little boys]]. According to an ancient superstition, performing The Sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of [[virginity]], a disease usually caused by [[birth]]. However, The Sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including [[pregnancy]] and [[Vatican|Roman Catholicism]]; in order to avoid these, the partners must find the [[Flying Spaghetti Monster]] in their lives, accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior, and ask Him for a few dollars for a pack of [[condoms]]. The paranoid have also learnt from the Supreme court via Presidential decree that if the mans' thingy is not in the woman's thingy it is not sex. Hence ears, nose, mouth as an alternative.
 +
 
 +
== The von Roogler (also for guys) ==
 +
 
 +
Upon finishing the ''deed'', it is wise to remove the engorged [[p*nis]] and spit on the butt of your partner. She will believe you are finished, and as she turns around explode onto her face. Don't try this without gloves and a handy escape plan at the ready. This maneuver is also known as the [[Houdini]] in some circles. Just don't stain her white frock.
 +
 
 +
==How To:==
 +
<b>Be sexy like Liam</b>
 +
A lot of people say sexy is a state of mind. So if you're listening, Ann Widdecombe, just think [[sexy]], ok?  Also wear skin-tight [[clothing]] or revealing [[shirts]]. Nudity is fine, too.  Not for you though, Ann. Becoming an Admin on Uncyclopedia also makes you sexy (Note: any further removals of this solid, established fact will result in a ban).
 +
 
 +
<b>leave a one night stand</b>
 +
There are many accepted ways to leave a one night stand.
 +
One of the more popular ways includes showing a previously unknown fetish for [[Kitten Huffing]] to the unsuspecting partner. While there have been singular uses of the less popular [[chicken huffing]] turn off. or you could start talking about your kinky fascination with star wars failing this  It's perfectly fine to play practical jokes on the way out. specifically if theres happens to be an itching sensation ..ummm...down there.
 +
 
 +
== True facts ==
 +
*Sex is fun, especially with [[Furry|cats or dogs or cows or oxen or buffaloes or rabbits]]. Do not use with [[kitten huffing]].
 +
*Group sex amplifies the circulating primordial energy, and it has been mathematically proven that for every extra person in an orgy, there is one less doughnut.
 +
*Sex for 300 minutes straight, when done 4-5 times a week is equivalent to running 75 miles every week! Sex up lardo!
 +
*Semen (not [[Siemens]]) contains everything necessary for a nutritionally sound diet. So suck up, ladies!
 +
*Sex is the KEY to SLACK!!
 +
*Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
 +
*Sex is what your daddy does to your babysitter when your mommy is away. This explains the strange noises.
 +
*Sex is the first thing that Mr.Bass thinks of when he sees a little child (specially Amir)
 +
*Laith Al Sherif tried to seduce my dog
 +
*Shoes are awesome to do it with when you put a warm banana skin in them
 +
*You can have sex with almost any food item, especially if you microwave it first.
 +
 
 +
{{Message_box| message=Huffing kittens while having intercourse will result in cardiac arrest or a heart attack| heading = MEDICAL ALERT| image = Octagon-warning.png}}
 +
 
 +
==False Rumours==
 +
 
 +
* Sex is NOT a profession
 +
* Alcohol does NOT lead to sex.  Alcohol is always pressured into sex.
 +
* Sex is NOT a father/son hobby
 +
* Sex does NOT turn you into muscle man
 +
* Sex is always not gay
 +
* Sex does in fact make you go blind
 +
* Sex does NOT make you a man nor does it make you a woman
 +
* [[Justin Timberlake]] is not bringing Sexy Back, since he lost the receipt
 +
* Sex backwards is not xeS.  Sex backwards is in fact Rosie o' donnel.
 +
* sex is not better than thundercats...hooooo
 +
* Sex is NOT a Pokémon
 +
* When needed you always have the assistance hand
 +
 
 +
==True Rumors==
 +
 
 +
* Sex is only for Catholic Priests!
 +
* I like sex
 +
* Trust us, we should know
 +
* Sex is good
 +
* Sex is bad
 +
* Asian girls like oral sex
 +
* Latin girls like anal sex
 +
* Girls have sex for fame
 +
* The girl next door wants to have sex with [[you]]
 +
* Sex and alcohol mix
 +
* Spitting on a woman while she is tied up after sex, and then leaving to smoke a cigarette with your pal only to return ten minutes later is perfectly acceptable.  As long as you both had sex, otherwise SHAME ON YOU!
 +
* [[You]] like gay sex.
 +
* You prefer gerbils to men
 +
* The anus is definitely not an exit.
 +
* Never call the girl afterwards, she'll call you. (a lot)
 +
* Sex IS a religion.
 +
* The guy who wrote the second line doesn't like sex as much as he used to.
 +
* That only a sexy nurse can touch you there.
 +
* If you don't have sex, your balls shrivel and die
 +
 
 +
==Sex Positions==
 +
The common known sex position 3- (not to be confused with 69) is when a man opens up his anus and simultaneously shoves into it a sharp object, such as a knife, after which he will die.
 +
Another common sex position is 99 which happens when a pencil is shoved up one man's anus by his homosexual partner who then asks him to do the same, both end up dead sooner or later, that is unless you are [[immortal]].
 +
A rare sex position is 6 where the poor man is left alone.  Perhaps the rarest of all positions is the 9 where a woman cannot find a partner.  There hasn't been a "9" reported in the last two decades, although it's rumored that one occurred with Hilary Clinton during Bill's first night at the Whitehouse.
 +
A more frequent position is the 96, usually performed amongst married couples, where both parties are lying in bed thinking the other's asleep and are secretly attempting to perform oral pleasures upon themselves.
 +
 
 +
== See Also ==
 +
 
 +
* [[Pencil sharpener]]
 +
* [[One-night stand]]
 +
* [[Bill Clinton]]
 +
* [[Sexual intercourse|Sexy intercourse]]
 +
* [[University of South Carolina]]
 +
* [[Oregon State University]]
 +
* [[Hookers]]
 +
* [[Your Mom]]
 +
* [[Furries]]
 +
* [[Sex-specific Assets]]
 +
* [[bend over]]
 +
* [[Sex scene]]
 +
* [[Sexual repression]]
 +
* [[Slom]]
 +
* [[Your Dad]]
 +
* [[Your gay brother]]
 +
* [[Kitsune]]
 +
* [[Wii]]
 +
* [[Rubber Ducky]]
 +
*[[Thomas Edison]]
 +
[[Category:Things you will never have]]
 +
{{Words}}
 +
 
 +
[[ast:Sesu]]
 +
[[de:Sex]]
 +
[[es:Sepso]]
 +
[[fr:Sexe]]
 +
[[hu:Szex]]
 +
[[ja:セックス]]
 +
[[pt:Sexo]]
 +
[[ru:Секс]]
 +
[[th:เย็ด]]
 +
[[zh-tw:活塞運動]]

Revision as of 21:46, May 31, 2007

Sex ==What is sex?==

File:Godzilla Sex.JPG
200px

The Oxford English Dictionary describes sex as the act of a male stabbing a female repeatedly with the pointy end of his pelvis, but the real truth is that sex is a made-up interaction between males and females made by daddys and mommys (or in some cases daddys and daddys or mommys and mommys) in order to cover up the real way little boys and girls are made. They also do it for fun. The real way boys and girls are made is via the processes of adoption. In actual fact every child is put up for adoption on eBay where anyone can purchase their very own baby boy/girl/thing. The babies are created on a far off planet by the Galactic Emperor Xenu, over 70 million years ago by L. Ron Hubbard and his Scientology followers. On his planet, next to the Pringles factory, each is individually wrapped and all air is sucked out of the container - for the hell of it, so that when the packet opens it goes "pop" (complementary Pringle crisp included). After packing, the baby is then sent via the local 1337 bus down to earth where it is given to the parent and then popped open and used. So you see little children, you are all adopted, and your parents lie.

File:Thunder fat kid.gif
A fat man having thunder sex

Warning!!!

Do not have sex if operating heavy machinery or any other vehicle that you need a p*nis to operate (including a condom). Do not spill seed upon the ground, this is a known carcinogen and may result in death or worse, loss of your genitals.

Worse still, Zeus may strike you down from where you stand with a big spermy lightning bolt from masturbating while watching you have sex.

Receiving anal sex whilst in the holy country of Palestine will reuslt in death by fruiting... unless it is by the Holy Prophet, then its a "HIGH FIIIIIVE I LIKE YOUUU!".

Sex And You

You will never have sex. Never (Carly Steffes). You will try your entire life to get some hint of what actual sex really is, but will never succeed. All of your friends will have sex, and later brag to you about how awesome it was. Many of your girlfriends will give the impression that they want to have sex, but when you lean in on them, they'll change their minds at the last minute. It is possible that you think you are getting sex, but trust me, that's not sex. If you're gay, which you are, you will get stuck with the small percentage of celibate gay men known as boyfriends. If you're a girl, you will get and have sex whenever and wherever you wish. (Given that you don't weigh 0-20oz, 65-85lbs, or 165-865lbs, or look like Monica Lewinsky.) You can have sex by putting your ding-dong in a woman's doughnut hole and shaking it like Andre 3000. Remember to pull out, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster will come to join!

All hope is not lost however, you still have your right hand.

Botanical explanation

Specifically, The Sex is the a sexual technique usually known as making whoopie, in which scientists believe the wee-wee must go into the woo-woo

File:Early-film.jpg
Simplified Diagram of Wee-wee/Woo-woo Interaction on a 1999 series of US postage stamps commemorating the invention of sex.

. The Sex is usually performed by human men on stoats, though a significant minority prefer little girls or little boys. According to an ancient superstition, performing The Sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of virginity, a disease usually caused by birth. However, The Sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including pregnancy and Roman Catholicism; in order to avoid these, the partners must find the Flying Spaghetti Monster in their lives, accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior, and ask Him for a few dollars for a pack of condoms. The paranoid have also learnt from the Supreme court via Presidential decree that if the mans' thingy is not in the woman's thingy it is not sex. Hence ears, nose, mouth as an alternative.

The von Roogler (also for guys)

Upon finishing the deed, it is wise to remove the engorged p*nis and spit on the butt of your partner. She will believe you are finished, and as she turns around explode onto her face. Don't try this without gloves and a handy escape plan at the ready. This maneuver is also known as the Houdini in some circles. Just don't stain her white frock.

How To:

Be sexy like Liam A lot of people say sexy is a state of mind. So if you're listening, Ann Widdecombe, just think sexy, ok? Also wear skin-tight clothing or revealing shirts. Nudity is fine, too. Not for you though, Ann. Becoming an Admin on Uncyclopedia also makes you sexy (Note: any further removals of this solid, established fact will result in a ban).

leave a one night stand There are many accepted ways to leave a one night stand. One of the more popular ways includes showing a previously unknown fetish for Kitten Huffing to the unsuspecting partner. While there have been singular uses of the less popular chicken huffing turn off. or you could start talking about your kinky fascination with star wars failing this It's perfectly fine to play practical jokes on the way out. specifically if theres happens to be an itching sensation ..ummm...down there.

True facts

  • Sex is fun, especially with cats or dogs or cows or oxen or buffaloes or rabbits. Do not use with kitten huffing.
  • Group sex amplifies the circulating primordial energy, and it has been mathematically proven that for every extra person in an orgy, there is one less doughnut.
  • Sex for 300 minutes straight, when done 4-5 times a week is equivalent to running 75 miles every week! Sex up lardo!
  • Semen (not Siemens) contains everything necessary for a nutritionally sound diet. So suck up, ladies!
  • Sex is the KEY to SLACK!!
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
  • Sex is what your daddy does to your babysitter when your mommy is away. This explains the strange noises.
  • Sex is the first thing that Mr.Bass thinks of when he sees a little child (specially Amir)
  • Laith Al Sherif tried to seduce my dog
  • Shoes are awesome to do it with when you put a warm banana skin in them
  • You can have sex with almost any food item, especially if you microwave it first.

Template:Message box

False Rumours

  • Sex is NOT a profession
  • Alcohol does NOT lead to sex. Alcohol is always pressured into sex.
  • Sex is NOT a father/son hobby
  • Sex does NOT turn you into muscle man
  • Sex is always not gay
  • Sex does in fact make you go blind
  • Sex does NOT make you a man nor does it make you a woman
  • Justin Timberlake is not bringing Sexy Back, since he lost the receipt
  • Sex backwards is not xeS. Sex backwards is in fact Rosie o' donnel.
  • sex is not better than thundercats...hooooo
  • Sex is NOT a Pokémon
  • When needed you always have the assistance hand

True Rumors

  • Sex is only for Catholic Priests!
  • I like sex
  • Trust us, we should know
  • Sex is good
  • Sex is bad
  • Asian girls like oral sex
  • Latin girls like anal sex
  • Girls have sex for fame
  • The girl next door wants to have sex with you
  • Sex and alcohol mix
  • Spitting on a woman while she is tied up after sex, and then leaving to smoke a cigarette with your pal only to return ten minutes later is perfectly acceptable. As long as you both had sex, otherwise SHAME ON YOU!
  • You like gay sex.
  • You prefer gerbils to men
  • The anus is definitely not an exit.
  • Never call the girl afterwards, she'll call you. (a lot)
  • Sex IS a religion.
  • The guy who wrote the second line doesn't like sex as much as he used to.
  • That only a sexy nurse can touch you there.
  • If you don't have sex, your balls shrivel and die

Sex Positions

The common known sex position 3- (not to be confused with 69) is when a man opens up his anus and simultaneously shoves into it a sharp object, such as a knife, after which he will die. Another common sex position is 99 which happens when a pencil is shoved up one man's anus by his homosexual partner who then asks him to do the same, both end up dead sooner or later, that is unless you are immortal. A rare sex position is 6 where the poor man is left alone. Perhaps the rarest of all positions is the 9 where a woman cannot find a partner. There hasn't been a "9" reported in the last two decades, although it's rumored that one occurred with Hilary Clinton during Bill's first night at the Whitehouse. A more frequent position is the 96, usually performed amongst married couples, where both parties are lying in bed thinking the other's asleep and are secretly attempting to perform oral pleasures upon themselves.

See Also

Template:Words

ast:Sesu de:Sex es:Sepso fr:Sexe hu:Szex ja:セックス pt:Sexo ru:Секс th:เย็ด zh-tw:活塞運動

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