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Catholic

2007-03-19T15:25:59Z

Seldon:

A Catholic is a person who follows [[Catholicism]].

Not to be confused with alcoholicism.
“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.”

~ Han Solo on Catholicism
“Being Catholic is great. You get the Jewish guilt without the Protestant work ethic.”

~ St Jim the Catholic
“What's the difference between being in the Army and being a Catholic? In one you follow stupid orders, attend pointless weekly briefings and obey to a dumb guy dressed in a weird uniform. In the other you fight with rifles and tanks.”

~ Rambo
Catholicism (A word meaning a person crazy for cats [cat + holics]), or adherence to the Mosteth Holyeth and Sacreeith Roman Catholic Church, So Sayeth His Holiness Pope Clit Oris LCXXVIII and Everyone Else Who Cometh Beforeth Him and Anyone Else Who Cometheth Behindeth Him, is based upon the best selling fictional book Bible, and is the largest support group in the world. With over 1 billion members of varying loyalty, Catholicism is the most exciting and vibrant club one can belong to, with the exception of the Unified Earth Female Front.

Catholicism is the true version of Christianity. Many vocal supporters of the enemy disagree ardently with this notion, but unfortunately, they are wrong. Catholicism is widely considered to be the wide-screen DVD of religion.

Contents [hide]
1 History
1.1 The Spanish Inquisition
1.2 The Crusades
1.3 Children's Crusades
1.4 The Anti-Christ
2 Nuances
3 Central Beliefs
3.1 The Pope
4 Rituals
4.1 Dogma
4.2 Karma
4.3 Wilma
4.4 Mortal Sins
4.5 Confession
5 Money
6 Powering Up
7 Future Popes
8 See also

History
Warning: Despite the Catholic Church's sincere efforts to censor potentially damaging information remove Satanic information from this webpage, it still remains tainted by the Devil. The Catholic Church is not liable for your extradition to Hell.
The Catholic Church is a secret underground cult of the church for raving pedophiles that have hindered scientific advancements for centuries and have sex with the little boys that attend their churches. good Christians. This guy is a Protestant

The Spanish Inquisition
The Spanish Inquisition was a period of history in which the Catholic Church went into Spain and attempted to bring out a confession by inserting burning, sharp, pointy objects into other people's anuses from those who were not Catholic. What made this period so deadly was that nobody expected The Spanish Inquisition.

The Crusades
The Crusades were an attempt by the Catholics to bring the people in the Holy Land to submission by raping and pillaging, especially little boys, those sick fucks. Take the holy land which was rightfully thiers. It didn't work because God saw that the Catholics were being |_|/\/1337 God did not feel that the people living there were ready for having a priest molest them in a "most Holy Manner" enlightenment. According to some theology teachers at horrible Catholic propaganda brainwashing encampments schools, the Crusades never happened.

Children's Crusades
The Children's Crusades were false memories planted by the Church of England. No incidents involving children and priests ever happened. In fact, it was a protestant FUD.

The Anti-Christ
The Anti-Christ came in 2003 in the form of a teenaged haxor, which can be evidenced by the fact that There are Rumors that the Anit-Christ is, in fact, the BOFH.

Nuances
In comparison to mainstream Christianity, Catholicism is the belief that when Jesus was hung up by the wrists, it didn't matter. Some scientists theorize that this was due to the amount of insulin that he had to take in to prevent his massive diabetes problem. Eventually, Jesus woke up (much to the chagrin of his would-be oppressors), feeling rather woozy. And cold, because most of his insulation had either dissipated or been eaten by the guy who had stabbed him. Jesus, being a level 20 sorcerer, was then able to teleport off of the painful spike (some might wonder why it is that he didn't cast that while he was being beaten and chained up there, but he was out of mana, and needed those three days of sleep they provided him with to regain it).

Later he killed the ones who had hung him up there, and was later lit up with an AR-15 assault rifle, riddled with thirty-four bullets. It not the Jews as we have been led to believe, nor even Santa, as others believe, or even Rudolf. It was, in fact, the Society of Jesus.

Central Beliefs
The Pope

The late Pope demonstrating his late Eyebeams.Unquestioned loyalty to the Pope is essential, unless you are wicked, in which case worship of the Pope is also required. Without the guiding light of His Holiness, Catholics consider themselves to be lost in a sea of dangerous information that might be used to bring about the Final Apocalypse. The Pope acts as the Mouthpiece of God, and occasionally as His TV remote control as well.

Many jealous theologians have equated the Pope with Satan or some other evil deity - this is only because the Pope gets to live in a huge, cool palace filled with paintings and antique statues, while most theologians are forced to live in the suburbs. The Pope also has God's cell number, while most theologians only know of His voicemail.

Rituals
When attending one of the rituals of this group, you will find that they are actually being controlled. If you attend a full ceremony, at the very end they will give you a piece of some kind of drug that keeps a visitor coming back every week for more, for the essence of the Flat Jesus is impossible for most mortals to escape from.

Weekly Catholic rituals are not to be confused with excessively dogmatic behaviour (see below). This trait that most Catholics possess is a defence mechanism that serves to strengthen the people of God.

Dogma
This article contains unquestionable divine truths.
Anyone who does question will be branded a heretic.
Any and all heretics will be guillotined immediately.

...The Kingdom come, on Earth as we tell you is Heaven.

Dogma is one of the best kept secrets of the Catholic Church. In order to get to Catholic Heaven (which beats Hindu Heaven hands down, but loses by a smidgin' to Mormon Heaven) you must believe in dogma.

Here, in a nutshell, is the essence of Catholic dogma:

Sex is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Money is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Altar boys are bad even though they make you feel good

These two dogmas are the entire essence of the Catholic Church's teachings, and explains their position on everything from sex (it costs money) and abortion (it's from sex), and why you should put money in those little baskets they throw at you during Mass.

From this dogma, the Catholic Church has the Catholic Catechism:

Pleasure is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Food is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Being born is bad (called original sin) and should make you feel guilty.
Eating meat on Friday is bad and should make you feel guilty.
The Catholic Church is good and should make you feel happy.
Modern theologians are in full agreement that if St. Paul had gotten laid, the Church today would be very different. And a lot more fun.

Karma

Too late; you looked. Get your ass over to the confessional booth, sinner.Catholics don't believe in karma. They believe, instead, that someone is watching to see if they are good or bad, making a list, and checking it twice. O.K., call it "instant karma", instead. Every December.

Wilma
Catholics are afraid of Wilma Flintstone: to them, she is the red-headed Whorebeast of the Apocalypse who shall slay all those who don't partake of her chewable vitamins. Some of her symbols (weird hair, stupid consort, pearl necklace) can be traced to the modern-day Marge Simpson.

Mortal Sins
Catholics believe that if you die with a "mortal sin" on your soul, you go to hell.

There are several mortal sins:

Playing with your food
Playing with your self
Feeding yourself
Playing with the person next to you
Feeding the person next to yourself in a playful manner
Not cleansing yourself after the "Bad Touch"
Making money
Failure to donate money, you selfish asshole
Making sex
Making sex for money
Kitten Huffing
Adoption
Getting a divorce from your obese, violent, faithless, lazy waste of a spouse without a fucking permission slip signed, examined, lost, found, and then burned by the Pope.
Eating pizza and drinking milk at the same time.
Smoking weed on the Sabbath
Using your 1 wood in the middle of the Fairway
Using your one wood in the middle of a whore.
Making a huge divot in the whore or next to the ball on the Fairway.
Shucking corn
Putting your elbows on the table
Tossing the Holy Hand Grenade to a count other than three
The Catholic Church's position on sex is very firm. To sum it up in a quick easy to remember sentence: you will get sent to hell if you have oral sex, anal sex, penis sex, vagina sex, phallis sex, vageena sex, premarital sex, gay sex, finger sex, underwater sex, upside down sex, loud sex, sex with the lights on, sex on a pool table, protected sex, unprotected sex, semi-protected sex, or (AND MOST UNFORGIVABLY!) NAKED SEX. It's quite obvious that God prefers us never to have sex with anyone. Obviously, if he wanted us to procreate, he would just slap up some mudpies and make some more humans. Or, if he REALLY wanted children to be born, he would umpregnate them himself, and thus, by this concise logic, it should be apperent that NO ONE should have sex EVER.

There is only one unforgivable sin that, when you die, will send you straight to hell - being an admin on Wikipedia. Burn, baby, burn!

Confession
It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you are sorry about it once a week. The confessional can best be summarized by the Catholic Church's motto, "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission".

Money

Sale of indulgences has largely been discontinued, although anti-Catholic conspiracists occasionally claim that the Catholic Church still has significant market share in numerous industries. This is clearly false.
Fast food franchise Popeyes' subliminal endorsement of the Pope.Jesus was a big fan of the green. Before he was ever known as 'the king of rap' he was just an average joe. He was into wine making and had a drinking problem. Now, once he had a posse that would do things for him (via his bluff checks/leadership feat) he told them to go guilt people into giving him money. And, lots of people gave Jesus money. But he never would have been popular if it wasn't for the chicks. Jesus knew how to get laid. If only the twelve dorks he hung out with could have learned something from that.

Due to this conviction to the amassing of large amounts of wealth, Catholicism is now the wealthiest religion in the world, outstripping Scientology's net worth by at least several billion dollars. Since sale of indulgences has dropped to a scant 2% of total Catholic income, the slack has been picked up through aggressive merchandising.

Compared, for example, to Scientology's single mainstream Hollywood film, Catholicism has had numerous mainstream successes in the form of blockbuster films, including Constantine's Choice, Last Tango of the Christ, Revenge of the Christ, and The Matrix trilogy.

Powering Up

Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang, one of the many friendly faces a follower of Catholicism can hope to meet during one's temporary existence.Catholics believe in the mystical energy of Powering Up; specifically, Catholics believe in the existence of individuals who attain superpowers through faith and generous donations to Peter's Pence. These special individuals are known as saints, and they are widely worshipped as minor dieties when God happens to be on hold (a common occurance on Saturday nights).

Saints are typically granted special approval from the Pope to rise to the rank of immortal. It is estimated that there are some 60,000 immortals in the world today, many of whom belong to the Society of Jesus. Some of these figures of note are:

Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang
Ignatius of Loyola
Mother Angelica
Emperor Palpatine
Jack Hackett
Future Popes
There are two theories on the future of the papacy. Here's one that's total crap: Eventually all popes shall simply join into a hive mind thinking that they will rule as one. What none of them will know though is that John Travolta already rules the hivemind, and that nobody can dominate his mind. His willpower is too strong. That's right. John Travolta > you.

More enlightened scholars point to the The Super Duper Top Secret List of Future Popes published in 2019.

- Mel Gibson (Pope Hollywood IV)
- That wierd guy down the street who hoards cats (Pope Felix XI)
- John Travolta (Pope Scientifican III)
- Tom Cruise (Pope Scientifican IV)
- Ringo Starr (Pope Badmustach)
- Bill Gates (Pope XP)
- Bill Gates Jr. (Pope XP Pro)
- Bill Clinton (Pope Noinhaladope the Great)
- Willie Nelson (Pope NoTaxus I)
- Kirstie Alley (Pope Fatass II)
- Tony Blair (Pope Dubya Botty Licker)
- Mark Foley (Pope XXX)
It is worthy to note that during the reign of Pope Badmustach, fellow former Beatle Paul McCartney will be elected Anti-Pope by a shadow Catholic Church based in southern Mexico.

Christian

2007-03-19T15:24:31Z

Seldon:

A follower of [[Christianity]].

Warning, reasoned discussion with a Christian may cause atheism.
Part of a series of articles on
Christianity

History of Christianity
Jesus
The Apostles
Ecumenical councils
Great Schism
The Crusades
Reformation

The Trinity
God the Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
New Testament
Apocrypha
The Gospels
Ten Commandments
Sermon on the Mount

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Interreligious dialogue
Christian worship

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
Eastern Orthodoxy
Protestantism

Christian erudition
Christian denominations
Christian movements
Christian ecumenism
Christian scholastica
Christian discourses

Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Church Fathers
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
Carver · Wesley

“Jesus was a bastard.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus
“We are not engaged in a complicated joke disguised as a religion. We are engaged in a religion disguised as a complicated joke”

~ Christians
“Mmm...food”

~ Lions on Christians
“And entertaining food at that”

~ Romans on Christian
Christianity is possibly the most confused religion of all time. It generally believed to have arisen when a publicity stunt by the Carpenters' Guild of Ancient Israel got out of hand. God has no affiliation with this organization and when he found out his son Jesus had helped the Carpenters he gave him a good spanking. By then however it was too late as the Italians had gotten hold of it and begun to take the joke seriously. Interestingly enough, nobody questions the worshiping of a zombie.

Contents [hide]
1 The History
1.1 History of Christianity, there is no View, but the true view
1.2 History of Christianity, a Christian View
1.3 History of Man, the China mans' View
1.4 History of Christianity, a Random View
1.5 History of Christianity, an Atheist's View
2 Christianity, Symbolism
2.1 The Logo
2.2 The Jesus Fish
2.3 Test Marketing
2.4 Jesus' opinion
3 Christianity, a Disambiguation
3.1 The 'Christian' Mafioso
3.2 The 'Christian' Slate
3.3 The 'Christian' Stupids
3.4 Other Christians
4 Ultimate Christianity
5 Christianity, the Miscellanea
6 Christianity, the Famous Christians
7 Christianity, the Christian Celebrities
8 Christianity, the Quotes
9 Christianity, the Holy See of Alsoioch
10 False Rumors
11 Christianity, the References

The History
A long time ago, there was this white man with blue eyes called Jesus Of Nazareth (reportedly, the name "Jesus" was given to his parents by a man in an angel costume, while "Nazareth" may or may not allude to a small town in Israel. It is debated as to what "Of" refers). At this point, history becomes a bit sketchy; most references are clear on the points that Mr. of Nazareth preached and taught over the hills and through the woods of Galilee and Judea, developing a rather large following of people drawn to his promises of blessing all believers with Kingdoms and Pacemakers. It should be noted at this point that many historians regard christianity as simply a very tasteless joke. It is also widely held as true that towards the end of his ministry, Jesus did indeed get sacrificed to Manbearpigs by the Romans, as told in this children's rhyme:

Jesus and Jill

That's the truth. Jill tripped me.
Don't forget, the earth was created 4004 BC and fossil evidence is a test of faith! Don't let school pervert you, little children! ;)
Went up the hill

To fetch baptismal water

Jesus fell down

and lost his Crown

but came back a few days after.

Modern interpreters see this as allegory for Jesus's supposed asphyxiation on a cross on a hill and subsequent (reported) resurrection, wherein he was resurrected. There is no common consensus as to who "Jill" is or what the bloody hell she's doing in this rhyme.

According to prophecy, Jesus was to be called "Emmanuel," but as that didn't happen, his biographers stuck in a line about an angel rolling in, calling him E-man, and bolting out the back door. This would be the last use of the word in the Gospel, but it made Matthew very happy, so they kept it.

A simplified biography written by Joseph, one of Jesus's homies states " Jesus was a simple man, traveling the world, putting things right where they had gone wrong, and all the time hoping that each leap of faith would be his last."

History of Christianity, there is no View, but the true view
A false devil twisted Islam, the one true religion. From that perversion sprung the Christians, unbelievers who deny the one true religion, Islam. This despite the fact that they may be able to point out when and how the universe was created, but are unable to state WHY. The Pope himself made this point. Despite so much being unknown about what reality actually is, how it came into being, how colors, morality, love, the fabric of space and time 'happened', they consider themselves smarter than any true faith bearing person, and pretty much anyone else they happen across. The one true god, Allah, hates the Christians, despite what they may think. Ironically, they are usually more militant about their false belief than faith bearing people are about their true faith. The one redeeming feature of christians is that they are not Jewish.

The Christians are this way for two reasons:

1) They have not been told the truth that Allah sent his Prophet, Muhammad(Police Be Upon Him), to all the peoples of the Earth to spread the true religion. They do not know yet that there has been a holy message in order to lift their sins from them and that they can be REWARDED eternally if they simply open their hearts to Allah.

2) They are aware of the truth regarding Islam and Allah but are simply too afraid of how to go about "becoming" a Muslim or what people will think of them if they do that they brush off religion as "unproven" and prefer to justify every teeny tiny amazing aspect of beauty on this planet as a work of "Jesus", the Mexican son of a dirty whore, and pretend to feel content.

There is absolutely NOTHING that can fill the emptiness of the human soul completely except for Allah. DO NOT settle for being a Christian when there is something truly so much better out there, such as crack cocaine.

History of Christianity, a Christian View
THIS IS WHAT CHRISTIANS ACTUALLY BELIEVE!

Goatse-man spawning The J-man. Picture taken from the time traveler Dr Who, to disprove Mary's existenceChristianity began when God (known to Reformed and Reconstructionist Jews as 'Yah-sh-weh', Hebrew for, "Look at this! Now I'm gonna have to clean it up!" Orthodox and Conservative Jews hold to the older, more traditional translation of "---.") took human form in order to fulfill his own damn Law; he's that much of a hardass about doing things "by the Book." In its place, after taking into account humankind's complete inability to govern their own morality even after the hardest punishments (flood, exodus), God put into place a "new" law, which consisted primarily of the commandments to "Love Me Above Everything Else", "Love Each Other as You Love Yourself", and "Do Others as You'd Have Them Do You". (This last commandment, unfortunately, failed to take into account the little-spoken-of fact that humans hate themselves.)

- He also spent some of his free time doing freelance detective work, during which time he uncovered vast Mafia-linked corruption within the Temple Money-changer's Jurisdiction (TMJ), kingpinned by the notorious Zionist gangster Elijah (friend of Meyer Lansky). He spent most of his time, however, traveling the countryside spouting off such drivel as "The meek shall inherit the Earth," a balls-to-the-wall claim that most modern interpreters judge to be a prophecy that would occur as a result of the dicks of the world killing each other off while the supposedly more peaceable 'believers' sit around and watch.

JesusAs is to be expected, Jesus (as God ((Yah-sh-weh)) (((G-d))) was now calling himself) was considered a kook by local authorities and hated by his own townspeople, who objected not primarily to his wandering, babbling message, but to its mode: apparently, it was very difficult for visitors seeking Jesus to find him, as any self-respecting homeless person will wander and babble. This led to locals being barraged by visitors with a litany of "Have you found Jesus?" (It is worth mentioning that this practice is both the source of the modern Christian liturgical practice of "litany," which, roughly translated, means "incessantly long repetition of incantations by a cantor who'd be better off running the local auction, and not very on-key at that," as well as the current practice of the Jehosephat's Witnesses, who commemorate what they call "The Babbleonian Captivity" by traveling door-to-door re-enacting the visitor's request of "Have you found Jesus" to any who will listen.)

Jesus was, sadly, killed for all this nonsense. He was so perturbed at the inconvenience that he done straight rose his ass up out the ground after three days, and spent the next forty days or so trying to sort things out. Sensing that his efficacy was coming to a close, he gathered his twelve closest pals and, cried one last time, with the last, inspiring words of "Eff this, you guys figure it out," he grabbed the last train for Heaven. He reportedly promised to visit "sometime before this generation all keels over," but the vagueness of that time-frame has been the subject of much debate.

Over the course of the years, Christians have been persecuted by agents of the devil simply for their faith. Nero, an agent of the devil, both persecuted them and saved some money on lion food at the same time. Diocletian, another agent of the devil, killed a whole bunch of them too. Finally, Julian the Apostate, yet another agent of the devil, tried to extinguish Christianity in favor of the terrible, child-sacrificing, horrific heathen pagan monstrosity that called itself a religion. But joyfully, all of these agents of the devil could not stop the one true religion, which began to spread.

There were a lot of wars with the agents of the devil, who call themselves Muslims, around the 1300s.

There were some more wars with Catholics/Protestants, who were agents of the devil as well (please select "Catholic" if you are a Protestant, and so on).

Finally, Christianity is coming under attack by agents of the devil who also go by the name homosexuals.

Soon, Jesus will appear and kill all of the infidels and take the believers to Heaven. Amen.

Please note: the preceding is what Christians actually believe.

History of Man, the China mans' View
There was a year looong ago when god made the people. He not know what he do at the beginning. First he made the black man in the oven but he overcooked them. Then he made the white man, he wasn't cooked enough. Then he made the chinaman and he got everything wight. No problem wit' the chinaman, I would know, I one too. I speak English good.

History of Christianity, a Random View
God and the Devil are in actual fact one and the same. Hell was created when God got mad and burnt Earth's sister planet. That is why he didn't burn Earth, and instead flooded it. God loves the game Doom. He just loves blasting his minions to Hell, literally. God hates Christians as they got rid of human sacrifices and instead replaced them with pitiful vegetarian style. Some say God got rid of them. LIES, it was albinos with a bulbous head.

History of Christianity, an Atheist's View
Atheists believe the Jesus character in the original draft of the Bible was to have been a stone cutter by profession instead of a carpenter. This was changed at the last minute after a local furniture dealer struck a lucrative product placement deal with the publishers. Other changes that differentiate the final production from the first draft include;

Judas was originally named Benedict. This was reworked after it was discovered that the name was to be used as the protagonist in another novel under development.
Gold, silver and bronze gave way to Gold, frankincense and myrrh after Olympic committee officials threatened legal action.
The character of Peter was intended to be extremely gay and hairy, but this aspect of the story was rewritten due to poor test market feedback.
Mary required re-construction to fulfill her role as a virgin, due to her previous career as a mechanical-bull demonstrator
The basic theory is that Mary was raped by a Roman officer (who got her pregnant and turned her crazy) and decided to lie to her crazy husband by saying God did it (which he believed). This explains why Jesus is a white guy and not an arab looking guy and why his parents raised him to be a bit of a weirdo. The reason Jesus' teenage years are edited out of the Bible is because Joseph (who had become an alcoholic) used to beat the crap out of Jesus (who he knew wasn't really his) and Mary (who he believed to be a dirty whore).
Christianity, Symbolism
The Logo

The Adoration of StarchIn order to support marketing, later Christians came to terms on a common Logo for the tradition. In order to express the fundamental Christian tenets of peace, love, and understanding, the logo they chose to represent themselves to the world was none other than the jointure of wood which Jesus was nailed to, bled over, and died on. The initial irony is commonly understood, while, unfortunately, the dual irony is lost on most.

Jack in the Box logo hiding the itchy Jesus fish. Can you see it?The Jesus Fish
The second most important symbol in the Christian Church is the stinky Jesus fish, also known as Ichy something. It was used by Pagans before it was stolen by Christian moms and now the symbol represents the whole religion. The symbol is primarily displayed on cars in form of a cheap sticker or sometimes the more expensive metallic embossed version depending on how fortuned you are in life. People displaying the logo can on an average drive 30 miles per hour faster than the rest as both God, cops, and other Christians will aid them en route. The logo has been used to subliminally lure children and other weak minded people to join Christianity. Jack in the Box is a great example of where the ichy Jesus fish has snuck in to a logotype. Can you see it? ]

Test Marketing
The original story, despite its catchy logo, did not sell well in its targeted demographic of Israelites. Most Jews were not illiterate fishermen, and could clearly see the part in the Scripture about how the sign of the true Messiah is world peace, universal belief, and a Kosher International sticker on every hot dog. Thing is, nobody cares what the Jews think! Assistant vice-president of market research Paul Tarsus quickly hit on a winning solution: adding trendy pagan elements like virgin-births and finger-o-death-to-fig-trees combined with a new target demographic (pagan Gentiles) that was almost completely ignorant of Scripture. Hipster pagans all around the Empire were hooked, and before long, Christianity was such a hit that people were literally lashing themselves with whips of thorns and turning themselves in to the authorities to be executed "just like that Jesus dude."

Jesus' opinion

The logo of Jesus' choiceAfter a short interveiw recently, Jesus commented on how he would like to change the symbol of the fish to that of Trogdor the Burninator. He went on to say that "...After I found out that the fish was being plastered to every bumper of all the devote Christians, I got really pissed and so did God." He added that "It is bullshit that I didn't get a say in this decision and all those involved got a swift kick in the ass delivered by me personally." After, he changed some water into vodka drank the entire Liter and stormed out of the S&M club.

Christianity, a Disambiguation
The 'Christian' Mafioso
"Christianity" is also the public codename for an influential mafioso society of prominent American politicians, according to some conspiracy theorists. This group, whose true name is unknown, is purportedly in control of most, if not all, of America's Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of federal government. Their number is said to include: George W. Bush, Dick "Bullseye" Cheney, Karl "Not Marx" Rove, Bill Frist, Nancy Pelosi, Orrin "Down The" Hatch, Antoin Levey, Bat-Jesus, Fred Phelps, Jerry Falwell, David Duke, Randall Terry, Antonin Scalia, Al Gore and Clarence "Claymation" Thomas.

The 'Christian' Slate
The term "Christian" can also be applied to any follower of the Church of Christian Slater. This Cult of Personality meets every third Thursday of the month to watch 90210 and Hard Rain, as well as share testimonials of how they came to "find the road to salvation," which they claim comes from the unconditional love of Christian Slater.

The 'Christian' Stupids
The other predominant alternate use of the word "Christian" is as a description of someone who has caught a case of the Stupids. According to the American Medical Association, a person with the Stupids will bear some or all of the following symptoms: They will reject the Old Testament of the Bible, but hold fast to the portions that speak about homosexuality and women having long hair; they may display a tendency to carry around large arsenals of weapons, which they never use on one another, since they will also espouse that killing is wrong; they may, in rare cases, also show a propensity of wearing distinctive clothing made out of the American flag, which they refuse to reconcile with their firm belief that the flag should not, under any circumstances, be altered or cut up. Historians are baffled to explain where any correlation between "Stupid" and "Christianity" came into place, let alone the strange nationalistic tendencies of those with the disease.

Other Christians
This includes every other Christian (i.e. UnIntelligent Christians, Jewish Christians, Christians For Allah, Invisible Christians ). Not only are these types of rare, they generally aren't observed in the wild because all the other sects have more fame, fortune, and airtime. As a side note, these are the most likely sect to get into Allah's Happening Paradise, mainly because they're the best at gambling( a fortunate side effect of applying one self to the art of gambling, and following the ethos of "counting cards", a lifestyle that Jesus himself followed, but most the people who claim to speak for him on TV never do-though they don't stop nagging you about it).

Ultimate Christianity
In Normal Continuity, Christianity is re-imagined and is known as Catholicism. In this version, Jesus was the founder of the faith and the first Catholic, but was brutally executed in 0 A.D. under Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang, leading to the Jesuit Wars among the Immortals. Ultimate Christianity is considerably more cynical than mainstream Christianity, although the art is much better and the churches are unquestionably larger and nicer.

Christianity, the Miscellanea
In order to make penance for some of their greater corporate fuck-ups, such as the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and both the Republican and Democratic Parties, the Court of Idiosyncrasy decreed that Christians were to develop and offer to the world the creamy deliciousness of Cadbury Creme Eggs. Also included in the settlement was the provision that Christians would return the holidays of Christmas and Easter, which they'd won in earlier back room dealings, to the general secular public; the transition has been far from seamless, and even today, many struggle with separating the ideas of 'Christ' and 'Crucifixion' with those of 'Candy' and 'Fat Men.'
Many misled Christians believe that the Golden Rule (or '11th Commandment' in some circles) reads as: "Though Shalt Not Get Caught." Unfortunately for them, this is the easiest rule to break, and when caught, believe you me, God can be a real pain in the ass.
According to most media outlets, Christians and Christianity are responsible for AIDS, underage alcoholism, Osama Bin Laden, the Crusades, the Inquisition, racism, slavery, dominionism, conservatives, liberals, and the daily burning of witches. They have also been implicated, but not yet fully charged, with instigating teenage pregnancy, high STD rates, and fucking up the American education system.
At last report, Jesus was seen at a Mariott Hotel with John Wayne and Warren Zevon. Zevon was waiting for a chariot (he was awaiting his shipment of seraphim to help make him fly) whilst Jesus and John Wayne were waiting for a train. The ultimate failure of Percy Shelley and John Keats as writers and human beings is attributed to this event.

Steve Irwin in hell realizing his god was a cheeseChristianity, the Famous Christians
Hans Christian Andersen
Christian Slater
Christian Lindemann
Christian Ugge
Hayden Christensen
Christian Smith
Christiane Amanpour
Dwayne "Calvary" Romine
Christianity, the Christian Celebrities
L. Ron Hubbard
Anakin Skywalker
Tom Cruise
John Travolta
Isaac Hayes
Emperor Palpatine
Kirstie Alley
Christianity, the Quotes
“The Bible is true because the Bible says so.”

~ The Bible on Christianity
“Preach the Gospel everywhere you go, use words if neccessary.”

~ St. Francis on Christianity
“A most amiable fellow was Jesus, or J-Dog as he preferred it. Beautiful teachings. Pity he never got around to explaining why God would rather we didn't fellate ourselves.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Christianity
“The Beatles were bigger than Jesus!”

~ Popes John, Paul, George & Ringo on The Bible
“It contains the True and Inarguable Truth of God, but it's a fucking boring read and I never got through it myself. ”

~ Pope Fuck on The Da Vinci Code
“It is a fact that the only good thing to ever come out of Christianity is Mister Rogers.”

~ JRE on Christianity
“Get a pop song, change the word baby to jesus, and viola, christian rock! ”

~ Eric Cartman on Christianity
“I'll kill all you motherf***ers!!! right after I pop this quaalude.”

~ Christian Slater on Christianity
“Christianity is an invention of sick brains: one could imagine nothing more senseless”

~ Adolf on Christianity
“Hey, it pays the bills, right?!”

~ Pope Fuck on Christianity
“Dee Dee Dee!”

~ Flying Spaghetti Monster on Christianity
“I'm sick and tired of all these motherfucking Bibles in my motherfucking hotels!”

~ Samuel L Jackson on Christianity
“The Bible doesn't care about black people (No really, it doesn't)”

~ Kanye West on Christianity
“Christians don't believe in gravity!”

~ Peter Griffin on Christianity
“In Soviet Russia, Jesus worships YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Christianity

[[Category:Religion]]

Matthew

2007-03-19T15:22:32Z

Seldon:

Matthew was some random guy in the bible. What did he do? Who knows.

==References==
<references/>

[[Category:Bible]]
[[Category:Bible character]]

Microorganisms

2007-03-19T15:21:32Z

Seldon:

Republicans that are too small to see with the naked eye.<ref>Wile, Dr. Jay L. ''Exploring Creation With Biology''. Apologia
Educational Ministries, Inc. 1998</ref>

==References==

<references/>

[[Category:Biology]]

Conservative

2007-03-19T15:18:47Z

Seldon:

The writer of this article is a pinko/lefty and has an outrageous liberal UK-centric outlook.
They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)

For the term used to designate people who like to serve con artists, see Conservative (Ebonics)

A typical conservative trying to save mankindConservatives (Stemming from the Spanish word for 'condom') uphold American freedom and conserve "cultural" values, and believe in calling a Spade a Spade, but not in letting him go to college. Most American politicians are either conservative, or pretend not to be, and as a result trying to get any sensible decisions is like pissing into the wind during hurricane season in New Orleans (OMG LOL). Conservatives strive to uphold the purity of the gluttonous, mindless, ignorant,Godless, consumeristic American way of life (although the industrial and slave-like economic trends of Victorian England are probably to blame for this...our bad America), and are the world leaders in the War on terra. Conservatives believe in fighting the good fight, until all terrorism, people with funny names, and single mothers all over the world are eliminated. What conservatives like best is bombing countries where people hate freedom, one or two that just had the misfortune to be in a similar geographical location, or have a funny foreign name and a democratically elected socialist government. What conservatives like second best is clubbing baby seals. And if oil is found in Antarctica they can do both on the one expense account.

Conservative ideology is based around the idea that there is limited wealth in the world and so have two main goals: to hoard what they have like an insane magpie during mating season, and to ensure the poor stay that way, by taking what they can grab, destroying what they can't and pretending they had nothing to with installing their millitary dictator in the first place.

Contents [hide]
1 American conservative views on…
1.1 Marriage
1.2 National debt
1.3 Abortion
1.4 Evolution
1.5 Environment
1.6 On the age of the planet
1.7 Crime
1.8 Communism
1.9 Religion
2 Other conservatives
2.1 Neoconservatives
2.2 Roman conservatives
2.3 British conservatives

[edit]American conservative views on…
[edit]Marriage

George Bush calmly expressing his stance on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.According to the Book of Conserve (and other Preserved Fruit Products), marriage is the sacred institution where-by a woman, in exchange for an appropriate dowery, can be sold into a life of servitude, punctuated with bouts of pregnancy and motherhood. It is believed that this sacred institution (as well as the sacred institution of buggery at boarding school) is being usurped by an alien race known as the "Sod". The asexual but androgenic Sod seek to over run the US of A, reducing the birthrate to zero by marrying all human males thus removing them from the gene pool. The Sod are believed to have foot holds in Greenwich Village on the East Coast, and have already achieved their goal in San Francisco, where it is now impossible to buy a belt/shoe combination that doesn't match and "I will Survive" had replaced the "Star Spangled Banner" at baseball games, which have now been replaced by fashion shows. The famous Televangelist and Rockstar Billy Graham summed up the Conservative viewpoint of gay marriage in his hit Song "Gay People", in which he was backed by the Scissor Sisters:

Gay people shouldn't get married,

The're not a proper family,

A proper family's just a father and mother,

Not two drag queens shagging each other,
A childhood should be spend reading Wind-and-the-Willows,

Not crying at bed time, biting the pillow
[edit]National debt
Who needs to pay taxes (poor people and single mothers aside)? Why not just borrow it all knowing that the debt will never be called in because if you go down, so does the rest of the world? Besides, the raptures coming anyday now, so the government doesn't need the money for anything except funding churches. Conservative is only in human existance to give people an excuse for being racist assholes who can't open their minds to any sort of new image, or idea. Any liberals thinking of converting to conservative..prepare to be...JUDGED!!! *gasp*

[edit]Abortion
Publicly, conservatives oppose abortion due to their view that it constitutes murder, as well as the vast amount of resources that could be diverted to the the war in Iraq and because and because it takes away the opportunity to murder the poor at a later date via: execution, millitary enlistment and quail hunting days. It should be noted that it is perfectly acceptable to spend hundreds of billions of dollars to kill hundreds of thousands and thousands of your own men in the persuit of basic human rights such as: the liberation oil and gas resources, and in hastening the rapture. Privately, conservatives support abortion because it keeps down the population of poor minorities, such as ewoks as well other short, hairy creatures (such as Greeks, Democrats and single mothers). This is in contrast to liberals who publicly favor abortion because the conservatives don't (the rule of thumb used to determine what liberals support...or maybe its the other way around. I don't know anymore). Privately, liberals support abortion because it keeps down the population of poor minorities, which has the added benefit of freeing office space in Harlem, but means fewer votes for the Democratic party. Wow....then who doesn't privately "support abortion"?

[edit]Evolution
The official Conservative position on evolution is that it is invented by Victorian Renaissannce man, part time Irishman and full time Anarchic-Athiest, the original George Michael himself, Oscar Wilde, whilst trying to explain to his wife why he was joined at the pelvis to a Rent-Boy in a Soho Hotel. Wild Claimed that his friend, Chuck D., had developed a theory that a species adapted to meet environmental pressures and that on Old Compton St. that just happened to involve growing a 14 year old boy with an opium habit from one's crotch. according to the conservative Evolution is therefore an attempt by the gay community to push its agenda of not being lynched, automatically discrediting it due to its alterior motives. Inspite of the 500,000+ peer reviewed research articles supporting Evolution, conservatives prefer to give weight to 1 research article, a 4,000 year old book and a whole lot of ignorance believing that the Earth and all life thereon came in a flat pack which was assembled over the course of a week by an omnipotent deity or "Intelligent Designer" and that aberrations such as homosexuals, racial minorities, Europe, poor people and single mothers occur because he lost the hex key around day six and couldn't be bothered looking for it on his day off. Although he did have time to hide fossils to test their faith. The latter is said to have absolutely no alterior motives whatsoever.

[edit]Environment
According to conservative research performed by the Belt-Way foundation at the Willard Hotel University global warming does not exist. However, if it did exist, it would because God wants the Bible-belt to have beach side property and to punish all the perverts, homosexuals, ethnic minorities, single mothers, liberals and the United Nations for allowing Ellen Degenerate to host the Grammys.

[edit]On the age of the planet
George Bush recently announced that the earth is 5,000 years old and that he is 10,000 years old and is, ipso facto, God. So is Dick Cheney. So is Barbara, because she said he couldn't go play at the G8 if she wasn't. Tony Blair was too until he signed a climate pact with Arnie. Koffee Anan is the demiurge that created this evil world in which the bat fuck insane and big business are forced to suffer at the hands of the liberal media (which is run by Godless franco-islamistfascistaborto-sodomo-anarcho-atheo-socialistic black jewish homosexual gypsies), humanitarian organizations, human rights and of course single mothers.

Being 5,000 years old the Earth hasn't had time for either plate tectonics or evolution to exist.

[edit]Crime
Conservatives believe drugs are immoral, dangerous and harmful to society, but are also a whole lot of fun when you're doing 60 down the freeway (as well as make it harder for single mothers to pay the rent). Rush Limbaugh currently the main proponent of the anti-drug movement. White collar crime, that is corporate fraud, tax evasion and the illegal invasion of a sovereign state resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, is also a blast and also a part of a well-oiled global community.

[edit]Communism
Commie-hunting is SO pre-1990. Aside from lawyers, Freedom-Hating-Islamic-Extremist-Terrorist-Bastards, as well as anyone that has met, seen or been in the same country as Freedom-Hating-Islamic-Extremist-Terrorist-Bastards, and single mothers everywhere (especially, those widowed by Freedom-Hating-Islamic-Extremist-Terrorist-Bastard suicide bombers) are now the game of the modern fashion conscious conservative. However for todays conservative with a penchant for the retro, McCarthyism will never truely go out of style, and is being brought back into fashion by "Big" Bill O'Reilly's parallels to the modern war on terror.

[edit]Religion

A conservative protesting outside the U.S. Capitol in response to the removal of a Ten Commandments monument from public groundsIn contrast to popular opinion, Conservatism, and not popular faiths, is its own religion. Believers can switch on to the official, 24/7, Conservative Network Fox News. Recently scientists discovered the purported "fair and balanced" nature of its flagship show, "The Factor", was responsible for the earths 24 degree tilt. However popular faith is a useful tool for conservatives in controlling the uneducated masses and going on "crusades" as well as when briefing President George W. Bush, which without resorting to explanations (with the aid of sock puppets) such as "God did it" and "Magic" would be a completely futile task. Conservatives follow the Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition for their religion.

[edit]Other conservatives
[edit]Neoconservatives

George Bush out for a relaxing day of golf with his wife.Their name is derived from the Greek "neos" (meaning new) and the Latin "conservare" (to keep, preserve or stay the same), the term demonstrates just how confused these racist, petrol-sniffing, coke-snorting, alcoholic frat boys are. It is believed that when this oxymoron was pointed out to president Bush at a press conference he replied "Am not Oxy", and then refused to say anything but "Yo" for the rest of the session. A White House press secretary then went on to explain, in a later press conference, that it wasn't an oxymoron but Bush's way of proving to the world that Americans really do have a sense of irony, claiming the movements major policies such as "War is Peace", "Freedom is Slavery", and "Ignorance is Strength" are pure satire and further evidence of Bush's worldly sense of humour - as were the Iraq War, the Enron collapse and Katrina relief effort. The session was then concluded by noting that the President would be conducting his next press conference at the Comedy Store and that he was available for frat parties, golf days and world summits, if any body needs to contact him, he will be on holidays in Texas for the next 52 weeks.

[edit]Roman conservatives

A thinktank run by emperor NeroThe neoconservative movement was established in Roman times. The movement then, as now, was preoccupied with taking over the world. The head of the movement was Emperor Nero and hence they were referred as Nero-conservatives as opposed to neoconservatives. This is actually were the term neoconservative comes from. The same careless editor who mistook the Hebrew word for “young women” for the Greek word for “virgin” was the editor that wrote the part of the Bible in which the Nero-conservatives were mentioned.

[edit]British conservatives
Conservatives in the UK are pretty boring; with the possible exception of Stephen Milligan who asphyxi-wanked himself to death just before a UK bi-election.

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Conservatives"