Counterexamples to Relativity

2022-03-04T22:53:15Z

RafaelHoward:

[[File:Einstein.jpg|thumb|The greatest trickster to ever live.]]
'''Theory of relativity''' (by some called [[Bullshit|Relativism]]) was proposed by a joint paper by [[Albert Einstein]] and [[Lacan|Jacques Lacan]] who said that all relatives in a family were only in their various positions in the family relative to one another in a fixed point in time or space. For instance, a father is a father to a child and he is a brother to his brother. Thus the same person is both a father and a brother, from two different points of view. Well, Einstein wasn't really that helpful, but he had lots of PhDs and qualifications to make it sound really important (however ambiguous those qualifications were) so people credited him with the discovery anyway.

As such, it was one of the most important inventions in history, paving the way for the [[temporal paradox]], the engine which powers the [[Time machine]] used by Professor [[Marty McFly]] in his famous [[time travel]] documentary ''[[Forward to the past]]''.

==Theory of Relativity==
[[Albert Einstein]]'s 1905 rant "On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies" introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein's marketing agent (a closet Jew), suggested there may be some difficulty marketing "wild guess of relativity", and today we are left with the result -- ''"the principle of relativity"''. While this principle was not new to Einstein's work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave may have looked fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking it. The experiment was new, in it's focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a [[kitten]], or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things.

[[Chuck Norris]] has recently discovered a new version of the theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When the concept was made public by [[Albert Einstein]], Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face.

===Main Principles===
The Theory of Relativity is based on two postulates:

#All motion is not absolute, but relative and is therefore a matter of opinion, which was disproven when [[scientist]]s discovered that the universe had a stationary center and therefore an absolute perspective from which all motion was seen (i.e. that of [[God]]).
#The [[speed of light]] is constant everywhere, except in the [[Star Wars]] universe, where it can cross a galaxy in only a few hours; this postulate was simply made by some guy called Maxwell.

From these two postulates, Einstein somehow (allegedly) deduced that increasing an object's [[speed]] will cause it to become heavier and shorter, just as people do when they get old, and cause it to see the rest of the universe speed up, just as people see the world do when they get old. In fact, as an object's speed approaches the [[Speed of Light|speed of light]], its length approaches zero and mass approaches infinity. Thus, nothing is able to travel at the speed of light, or faster than it (except [[tachyon]]s, which are particles with imaginary mass that can't travel slower than light because they are always on the run from the Physics Police, but who gives a shit about ''them'' (except theoretical physicists who waste all their [[time]] on this stuff)?). Then he realized that if all motion was relative, then so was speed, and therefore so were [[mass]]es, sizes, and all that other crap that changes with speed. Thus, it was possible for each of two guys moving past each other at extremely high speed to see the other as being shorter, heavier, and aging less rapidly than himself, and upon stopping, Guy #1 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #2, and Guy #2 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #1.

===Resolution===
Realizing that his first postulate and his conclusions would normally violate each other ''and'' conventional [[reality]], but not realizing that one of his postulates might actually be bullshit, Einstein decided that the only way to resolve this contradiction would be to say that everything was an opinion and therefore true from some perspectives but not all, including the belief that The Theory of Relativity is self-contradictory nonsense based on a fictional premise. But even this "solution" contradicts itself, as some beliefs, like the belief that not everything is an opinion, make themselves true from all perspectives when true from at least one, thereby preventing themselves from being opinions. Modern scientists often amend Einstein's solution to say that the definition of "opinion" can itself also be an opinion (in some people's opinions), and that every belief must therefore be an opinion under at least one definition of the word. This lead to The Theory of Relativity's spinoff, "''The Theoury of Opinionism''".

Later, just to to be a smart-ass Einstein declared that [[gravity|gravitational fields]] were warped areas in the fabric of space-time, contradicting his previous statement that space-time had no fabric to warp. He then declared that both were just his opinions : It has been rumored that Einstein may have had [[multiple personality disorder]].

===Speed of light===
One weird result of the theory is that as an object's speed approaches the [[Speed of Light|speed of light]], its length approaches zero and its mass approaches infinity. Thus, nothing is able to travel at the speed of light, or faster than it (except [[tachyon]]s, which are particles with imaginary mass that can't travel slower than light because they are always on the run from the Physics Police, but who gives a shit about ''them'' (except theoretical physicists who waste all their [[time]] on this stuff)?).

But [[Zeno's Paradox#Zeno's Paradox|Zeno's Paradox]] states that all motion is impossible, just those that are faster than light, so why the hell did we even start looking at [[Sexual intercourse|motion]] in the first place? Zeno is rumored to have been a sex-addict.

===E = mo2===

Einstein's final piece of the puzzle was to formulate an equation he could tack on for idiots everywhere to use when they wanted to sound smart. That is the famous "'''E = mo2'''" business. No one actually knows what this means, and it is one of Einstein's greatest jokes on mankind. With the rise of feminism, women are also free to quote this equation in business meetings without having a clue. Equality is good for science, business, heathenism, and progress.

This "equation" was proven to be false in the late 16th century by a peasant named William Dodd. He concluded (with much a much more convincing style of wording) that as Einstein was yet to be born--he himself (already being aged 19) was his elder and thus superior of knowledge (see also: [[Because I says so principle]]). When interviewed by [[channel 7]] news, Mr. Dodd denied the 14 allegations of sexual assault that the hot, large breasted interviewer accused him of, but did comment on Einstein's rambling being entirely fictional.

The real equation is as follows :
Energy = Massive.Opression2

{{Wilde|The Einstein's greatest trick was convincing the world that it didn't exist.|Einstein's Theories}}

===Correlates===
One of the strengths of such an enjoyable display is that, if the microwave is not your own, it's so much more amusing (although Einstein did not derive it this way). For proof, see the back of any TV dinner in which the instructions are translated from another language (e.g. "warning, this product may become hot when heated").

===Simply Put===
While it may seem like reading this article has taken approximately an hour, it has really only been about twelve seconds. That, dear readers, is relativity.

==The Theory behind The Theory==

[[File:relativity.JPG|right|thumb|300px|Einstein's home designed using relativity so nobody could break in and hurt him]]

[[Albert Einstein]] was an exceptional scientist with a particularly logical mind. One day, after a fight with [[Stephen Hawking]] he was forced to take the train home, as Hawking had trashed his '''hovercar'''. He was bored, and being a scientist he calculated the speed of the train. It was roughly 200mph. It was at this point he realised that if he was on a train travelling at 200mph an hour towards [[Bristol]], that it was conceivable Bristol might be travelling at 200mph towards him. This would mean he would crash into Bristol at a combined speed of 400mph and a force exceeding 100,000,000 N. It also occurred to him that if Bristol were to hit him at that speed, he would [[die]]. Therefore he decided to create a Universal law to prevent this kind of thing happening. He decided that if everything was relative to something else, then only smaller, more sensible, train shaped objects could travel at ridiculous speeds.

==The Theory Itself==

Einstein's Theory of Relativity states:

{{Q|If an object is travelling at a given speed in a given direction is a pencil, and particularly if the object concerned is travelling at me, or if I am travelling at an object, especially if either the object or myself is travelling at a speed likely to cause injury to me, then only the object, and not the object and the destination, or target, will move, and it will slow down slightly.|Albert Einstein}}

Einstein calculated the maximum safe speed for any given object to be a constant, which he called c. He then calculated the energy an object would have if it was travelling at speed c. This is 0.5mc^2. He then doubled this to take into account the other object travelling towards him, this gave mc^2. This value he called E, or '''"Einstein's Energy"'''. Oddly, he changed the individual letters whilst high so it gave rise to the famous equation:

::E = mo2

==History of the Theory==

At first the theory was unpopular. Many dismissed the idea as '''"cowardly"''' or '''"plain stupid"''' or "bullshit". It is only recently, with the invention of the [[Dodge]] Vyper and other particularly large cars that the theory has become of utmost importance for the protection of ''[[small children]]'' and other ''roadkill''.

{{Q|Not only is the Theory the product of a cowardly and unscientific mind, it interferes with the AA route planner|Isaac Newton}}

{{Q|If a man and an ape are heading towards each other at 200mph, but due to relativity they slow down and do not die then survival of the fittest has not occurred. Hence evolution will not occur. I thus conclude that Albert Einstein is God, and does not exist|Charles Darwin}}

{{Q|If an apple and a napkin was to cross paths on mars the galaxy would fall into entropy. I do not base this theory on evidence for I am no scientist and I do not know anything about physics but I believe this to be true.|Ted Haggard}}

==Time Dilation Theory==
However, the theory did not end here. Whilst on another train, Albert Einstein realized that if a third party were to watch two objects heading towards each other at speeds he considered unsafe, then relativity would not in fact come into action, as both objects would be heading for the third person, and relativity would be acting on him, and not on Einstein. Panicking, in case he was about to collide into Bristol whilst someone watched, Einstein scribbled down another theory on a napkin.

{{Q|If two objects are heading towards each other at great velocity, relativity will not be occurring from the prospective of a third party. Hence, particularly if I am on one of the objects, and so things make more sense, time will slow down so I can escape the impending collision|Albert Einstein}}

However, realizing this theory was confusing, particularly to any fourth party involved, he decided to say this would only occur noticeably at speeds close to ''light speed''. Light speed was a term he invented merely to distract the general public from his cowardice and irresponsible creation of '''physical laws'''.

Time Dilation also become useful in his later years so he could run out and fetch [[doughnuts]] in between catching trains to Bristol.

==Special Relativity==
[[File:flyingbristol.JPG|right|thumb|300px|[[Bristol]] moving at the speed of light]]

Often the terms '''Theory of Relativity''' and '''Theory of Special Relativity''' are interchanged. However, despite similarities this is incorrect. Special relativity is a rare occurrence for when ''regular'' relativity fails to prevent damage to Einstein. It allows him to move slightly to the left, thus avoiding any number of fast moving objects, which may or may not be Bristol.

==Applications of Relativity==
To date there is an almost [[infinite]] number of uses for Einstein's theories, but here's a short list of the most common:

:*The preservation of [[Albert Einstein]]
:*The confusion of physics undergraduates so they do not have time to go out, get girlfriends, have children and repopulate the [[Earth]] with large numbers of spotty superintelligent beings
:*Preventing particle accelerators from actually working, because if they did, large parts of the planet would instantly vaporise
:*Ensuring anyone using AA route planner will never reach their intended destination
:*Slowing down light so it doesn't hurt when it hits people
:*Speeding up words so they can travel down phones

== As used in hyperspace travel ==

Einstein's relativity theory is one of the chief components of most [[Hyperspace]] (a.k.a. [[Hammertime]]) ship systems, as seen in [[Star Trek]] and [[Star Wars]]. Their formulation was based on the fact that everything can only be seen relative to everything else, and that everything is really moving at a fantastic speed in every possible direction at every possible time. For instance at this moment you at this moment are spinning around the world, which is spinning round the sun, which is spinning round the galaxy, which is itself spinning round the universe. - thus all you have to do is stop, and you will have travelled an enormous distance - this is the principle at the heart of hyperspace travel. Albert himself went on a date with his cousin/wife through hyper space.

This is similar to the use of the [[bumhole]].

== As relative of itself ==
The theory of how something can be like something else, but not quite. The theory states that observers can see the same event differently depending on how far they are away from the server. The theory itself is relatively complex. It can only be explain in terms relative to itself. So to adequately understand relativity you have talk like a Bel Air Blonde who just graduated from a Junior College. Like that's like relative, right?

== Relativity In Literature ==
There was once a small man. He wasn’t terribly small like say, a [[hobbit]], but still pretty small. He was small in a ''relative'' sense.
The small man lived in a small house. Now don’t get the idea that his house was the same size as him. The house was much larger than the small man. It was only ''relatively'' small (when compared to the neighbouring houses).
The small man was not poor. In fact, he was quite wealthy. Not as wealthy as say, [[Bill Gates]], but still far from poor. He was rich in a ''relative'' sense of the word.
Now, the ''relatively'' small man living in his ''relatively'' small house with his ''relatively'' large fortune awoke on one ''relatively'' nice day (not perfect, but better than yesterday) to discover that he had a big problem. Not a big problem as in the [[Holocaust]], or [[Hiroshima]], a ''relatively'' big problem.
He was not alone.
Admittedly, that is normally not a problem. A good many of us go through life in the company of others. As human beings we require this contact with other members of our species to remain sane.
The issue was that what the ''relatively'' small man found within his ''relatively'' small home was most certainly not a member of said species. Nope. His visitor consisted of slightly different DNA.
His visitor was a [[troll]].
Now, I know what you’re thinking, but I am telling the truth. There really was a troll eating pancakes in the ''relatively'' nice kitchen within the ''relatively'' small man’s ''relatively'' small house.

So, anyways, the ''relatively'' small man and the ''relatively'' small troll stared at each other for a moment before getting into a fight about who the ''relatively'' small house and the ''relatively'' small fortune belonged to. The man claimed that he had spent many years earning the ''relatively'' large fortune and had used it to purchase the ''relatively'' small house. The troll claimed that “urrrk urrrk URRRK urk!!!”
It was a spectacular fight. That’s not to say that it was anything along the lines of the legendary [[Super Smash Bros.]] showdown between “[[AAA]]” and [[Jesus]] (Jesus won), it was ''relatively'' spectacular when placed in comparison with something decidedly unspectacular.

Case in point: The ending of this article.
==see also==
*[[E=mc^2|A mirror clone of this article]]
[[Category:Relativity]]
[[category:Philosophy]]
[[Category:Scientific theories]]
[[Category:Things created whilst high on pot]]

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Counterexamples to Relativity