Barack Hussein Obama

2011-07-20T01:30:04Z

Limballer:

[[File:Obama8.jpg|right|240px|thumb|Barack Obama, seen here with the [[lie|White House]] in the background. Notice the contrast between his black suit and the white building.]]

{{Q|Nothing's gonna change. Let's just do our stuff.|Polish ex-president and [[Nobel Peace Prize]] winner [[Lech Wałęsa]]|Barack Obama's election victory}}

'''Barack Hussein <strike>Osama</strike> Obama'''<ref>Also known as '''Barry Soetoro''', from his Indonesian passport.</ref> is the 44th and current [[President]] of the United States, and the first and only to do so without benefit of [[White people|white skin]]. He was a perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing Kum-Ba-Yah. Obama served as an [[Illinois]] state senator from 1997 through 2004, and also had a cup of coffee in the U.S. Senate before starting his successful campaign for the Presidency. ''Black'' coffee. In a ''white'' cup.
[[File:Obama |right|310px|thumb|Barack Obama likes to have fun with girls in public.]]
In his first year as President, his chief accomplishments were policies to stabilize the weak economy, some of which gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and a larger number of alarmed citizens. Critics claimed that Obama's authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book ''1984'' by [[George Orwell]]. Obama responded with a curt, "That's double-plus-ungood" and by banning Fox News from the Press Pool.

==Early life and career==
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<div style="margin-left: 66px">If you haven't yet made up your mind about [[Wikipedia]], get [[Shit|a load]] of their kid-glove treatment of '''[[Wikipedia:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]]'''.</div>
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{{Conservapedia|Barack_Hussein_Obama|Barack Obama}}
{{Alt|Barack Obama/old|Barack Obama (terrorist superhero)}}
{{Main|Barack Obama's birth}}
Barack Obama was allegedly<ref>Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.</ref><ref>[http://www.factcheck.org/UploadedFiles/birth_certificate_5.jpg Alleged birth certificate].</ref><ref>[http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=82033 2008 election still in dispute by crazy guy].</ref><ref>[http://www.kitv.com/politics/17860890/detail.html?rss=hon&psp=news Hawaii confused over Obama birthplace].</ref><ref>[http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=78931 Additional crazy guy claims to have proof Obama born in Kenya, will go public 'any day now' as of August 2008].</ref><ref>[http://www.conservapedia.com/Barack_Hussein_Obama A Trustworthy Source: Obama not born is US; also a Muslim, terrorist, and mutant].</ref><ref>My dad says Obama wasn't born in America.</ref><ref>It's getting a little ridiculous with these references, isn't it?</ref> born in Honolulu, [[Hawaii]] to Stanley Ann Dunham in 1961.

Early on in his life, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. His Kenyan father Kanye West had been raised as a [[Muslim]], though later became an [[atheist]]. Obama spent the first twelve years of his life in Indonesia, where he was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you. He also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while also being enlisted in Iraqi terror camps full-time.

Obama's experience in [[Hawaii]] prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, [[Hawaii]] was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping<ref>Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology</ref> and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he ''"felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."''

[[Image:Obama at work.jpg|thumb|left|The Brazilian derrière is another broad area of study that Obama has now disavowed.]]
In his late teens, Obama gave up his [[Muslim]] heritage and converted to [[Christianity]].<ref>[[Conservapedia|Reliable sources]] point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.</ref> Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue). As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. [[Jeremiah Wright]], notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.

After attending high school in Hawaii,<ref>Known in Hawaii as 'Volcano Worship Preparation School'.</ref> Obama attended the prestigious [[Columbia University]]. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in [[Hawaii]]. He graduated from [[Colombia|Columbia]] in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in [[redundancy]]. He then moved back to [[Chicago]], a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There Obama went to work as a community organizer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of [[Illinois]].

==Senate career==
[[File:Barackobama.JPG|right|150px|thumb|Obama is seen here during his time in the storied Illinois Senate, wearing a tie that mixes dark and light colors.]]
Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city.<ref>His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.</ref> He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his ''Weather Underground'' movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.

Obama's time in the [[Illinois]] Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all [[you are dead|homicide]] interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native [[Hawaii]], and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of [[Hawaii]].

Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois,<ref>The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.</ref> Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media.<ref>''All'' media is liberal media.</ref> Upon reaching [[Washington]], Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of [[George W. Bush|President Bush]]. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's<ref>And every other President in history</ref> tendency to let Americans run their own lives.

[[File:obama08acceptance.jpg|thumb|left|Obama delivers his presidential election victory speech in Grant Park from behind a mulatto brown podium. Note the [[UFO]] above Obama's head.]]

==Election as President==
Despite a radical voting record during his cameo appearance in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to [[guns]]. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's [[Bill Clinton|last President]]: "Well, I meant it when I said it."

His message of "hope and change" mesmerized American voters. He famously promised [[Joe the Plumber]] that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you"; and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager and, later, a black [[Muslim]].

Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not [[George W. Bush|Bush]], became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama's [[John McCain|opponent]] was nothing if not ridiculous. Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough [[bureaucracy]].

After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow.

Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.

==Economic takeovers==
[[Image:Superobama.jpg|thumb|left|If [[General Motors]] can't get it done, Super-Obama will!]]
{{Q|It's not all about me!|Barack Obama|Barack Obama}}
As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the [[George Dubya Bush|mess]] he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.

Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased.

Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to [[John McCain]]. On the government-owned banks, the Administration argued that companies owned by the people could no longer pay "excessive" executive salaries. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.

On social issues, Obama called off federal prosecution of citizens of states with medical-[[marijuana]] laws, and restored abortion funding that [[George Dubya Bush|his predecessor]] had fought. Perhaps a nation newly distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.
===Health care===
[[File:Obama-pimp.jpg|thumb|Obama's stimulus spending makes him feel a bit [[pimp]]ish.]]
Having transformed American industry along the successful [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] model, Obama turned to the signature issue of health care, to replace unimportant ''treatment'' with a system of universal ''coverage.'' In one version of the reform bill (S.666):
*Page 105 reduces health-care costs by requiring the states of [[Louisiana]], [[Alabama]], [[Mississippi]], and [[South Carolina]], and the City of [[Detroit]], to secede from the union immediately
*Page 2356 further reduces health-care costs by ensuring that every American gets an annual rectal exam, administered by a compassionate and gentle IRS employee.
*Page 3999 ensures that [[STD|communicable diseases]] are [[Mile High Club|not spread aboard airliners]] by giving the TSA powers to administer a complete physical, including mammography, pap smear [[Transsexuals|and]]/or prostate exam before boarding is permitted.

The decimated opposition was left to carping that the U.S. Government might not be able to manage everyone's medical treatment, given that it had already failed to:
*Operate a web site to reimburse citizens who had junked their high-pollution cars,
*Keep reality-TV gadflies from crashing state dinners, and
*Watch obvious hijackers who are on the Watch List.
Obama promised that Americans could keep their favorite doctors, in the same way that they already choose their letter-carriers.

==International recognition for numerous accomplishments==
In 2009, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for numerous accomplishments, which may have included:
*A fifth-place award in the 7th-grade spelling bee
*No tardies during the school year of 1970, and
*Winning the Boy Scout Pine-Car Derby 3 years straight.
Obama also received a red poppy pin for contributing to the war in [[Afghanistan]] and a giant stuffed Tasmanian Devil for sinking 3 baskets at the [[Maryland]] state fair. There's no stopping this man.

===The results pile up===
[[Image:Obama bow.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Obama expresses his huge respect and envy for this Japanese ruler-for-life.]]
Obama's opponents pooh-poohed his determination to project a gentler international presence--for example, to negotiate with tin-god dictators "without preconditions." But they could not forever deny the results of replacing [[George Dubya Bush|cowboy]] theatrics with a new era of charismatic personal intervention:
*Obama's jet-set arrival into [[Copenhagen]] clinched the decision to hold the Olympics in his home city of Chicago. On a separate trip to the city, his last-minute nagging of diplomats clinched agreement on a new [[Global warming#Copenhagen|global warming]] treaty.
*Meeting with [[Hugo Chávez]] and accepting a book on American imperialism transformed the [[Venezuela]]n dictator, who no longer claimed U.S. Presidents smelled like sulfur.
*His habit of bowing to [[Saudi Arabia]]n emirs, and to the [[Japanese]] (who know something about bowing) commanded immediate respect and concession to U.S. foreign policy. He applied the same utter [[nice]]ness to the [[Korea]]s, which secured a new trade deal with [[South Korea]] and an end to the belligerence of [[North Korea]].
*Enhanced attention to [[Iran]] got it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. A President with an [[Arabic]] middle name and [[Barack Obama's birth|ambiguous parentage]] achieved an end to terrorist attempts on the U.S.
*Personal appearances in [[New Jersey]] and [[Virginia]] kept the governorships in the hands of the [[Democratic Party]], and a last-minute visit to [[Massachusetts]] to stress the importance to Obama's health-care mandate helped retain the seat of the late [[Ted Kennedy]] in the most [[Democratic Party|Democratic]] state in the Union.
*Vigorous campaigning limited the losses in the 2010 mid-term elections--which were inevitable, and of course also Bush's fault--and ensured that the Democrats would not lose the [[House of Reprehensibles]].

===Gathering darkness===
[[Image:Nice oilslick.jpg|thumb|left|White caps on the surface of the [[Gulf of Mexico]] were replaced by black caps during the Obama years.]]
Obama's administration continued to resolve the age-old controversy between black and white. The [[Lawyer|Attorney General]] was newly black, and Americans had to open the door to scruffy black visitors, as they might not be [[Muslim]] evangelists but [[census]] takers.
{{UnNews Archive|2010 Oil Spill}}
However, in 2010, the nation was shocked to see the very surface of the [[Gulf of Mexico]] get blacker and blacker, as an oil well a mile down ruptured. Obama took quick action:
*Verifying that the '''Jones Act''' was intact and would protect Americans from the scourge of foreign oil skimmers and their non-[[union]] crews.
*Denying permits for dredging and for use of dispersants, which could be bad for the [[environment]]. This kept the oil spill one of the cleanest in history.
*Shutting down other deep-water wells for six months, just to be safe.
*Explaining how environmental permitting and litigation showed his continuing commitment to [[Work|job creation]].
*Lecturing Americans that the spill was their fault, as the average American stubbornly uses more gasoline than, say, the average [[Kenya]]n.

Ray Nagin, the [[mayor]] who had chafed at Bush's slow federal response to [[Hurricane Katrina]], was pleased during the Obama years that [[New Orleans]] was restored as America's "[[chocolate]] city." He expressed pleasure when a new hurricane season threatened to turn the black slick into an emulsion, declaring, "It will be like a giant, chocolate Smoothie!"

==Cementing of power==
[[Image:Barackamen square.jpg|thumb|Every so often this picture screams "Hope and change" and shoots fire out of its mouth. There's that black suit/white background contrast again. "Big Brother is Always Watching"]]
{{c|With the American people lulled into a sense of security,}} Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of {{c|waterboarding. After the drowning death of}} Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the {{C|interfering}} voices of the American people {{C|out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really}} Obama's biggest priority, he could move on to our next biggest threat {{c| aka Joe Biden, in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he [[a splode|burst]]). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming}} Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Directorate of Social Monitoring (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places {{c| with eyes that follow you around as you pass by}}. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President {{c|equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head}}, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere{{c|, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/m@sturbate/plot against him}}. President Obama then turned his attention to national security, passing the {{c|Invasion of}} Privacy Act. Any {{c| person caught speaking ill of the President and therefore determined to be}} threats to society are {{c|rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are}} not tolerated under {{c|the new regime of}} Barack Obama's watchful gaze.<ref>Trust me, it's ''very'' watchful. He's watching me right now...</ref>

==Personal life==
[[Image:BOjedi.jpg|thumb|President Obama uses the Force to repel criticism from all sides while merging corporate and State power. "Now I am the Master!"]]
Obama's personal life is a complete mystery. The staff of the White House Media Liaison has post-edited any information it deems "a threat to the President's personal safety." Consequently, it is impossible to find mention in newspapers or broadcast media of many public events, such as the time he slapped Queen Elizabeth on the back and gave her a gift of twenty five DVDs set to only play in America.

Bills in Congress relieve other threats to the President by requiring broadcasters to balance popular shows with shows no one listens to (the "Fairness Doctrine"), or limiting the number of franchises that can carry [[Rush Limbaugh|Limbaugh]] and [[Sean Hannity|Hannity]] so most Americans will have to listen to that local guy with the cleft palate. The threat posed by [[Sarah Palin]] is being handled privately, as the dozen Associated Press "fact-checkers" that tailed her during the campaign are still on the investigation.

A nagging problem with the President's security is that Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. The White House corps is trying to resolve this problem. In the mean time, an Executive Order bars any use of [[Google]] inside the U.S., other than Image Search.

==President of the World==
[[Image:Obamadictator.gif|left|thumb|200px|A portrait of Obama in his new role as World Leader for Life.]]
President Obama's charisma has led equally charismatic [[Libya|Libyan]] strongman Moammar [[Qaddafi]] to call for Obama to retain his office permanently. Nations of the [[United Nations|U.N.]] have taken up these calls for the installation of Obama as the leader-for-life of the free world, as well as all other ones. They admire his determination to bring America to the table of world nations (or to the dog bowl underneath said table). The government of [[Chinatown|China]] has volunteered to conduct the elections for this important post.

==World Relations==
[[Barack Obama]] has has met countless times with the honorable Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love [[Kim Jong-Ill]] to discuss their plans for the weekend. They enjoy frequent slumber parties with their other friends: [[Vladimir VII the Putin]], [[Dmitri Medvedev]], and the ghost of [[George Washington Carver]]. This amazing friendship is demonstrated with the amazing relations between the [[United States of America]], [[North Korea]], [[Russia]] and [[Black People]]. Some more exploits of "the gang" include panty raids on Queen Elizabeth, the accidental murder of renowned war hero, [[Osama bin Laden]], and finding a heart for [[Vladimir VII the Putin]] <strike>to feast on</strike>.

==Notes==
[[Image:Obamaiswatching.JPG|right|260px|]]
<references/>

==See also==
[[File:Coins.jpg|150px|right|thumb|Change]]
*[[Barack Obama's birth]]
*[[Barack Obama's Teleprompter]]
*[[Baraq Hussein Osama]]
*[[Obama and card stacking]]
*[[Blacks]]
*[[Change]]
*[[Hawaiians]]
*[[Michelle Obama]]
*[[Pre-Presidential Accomplishments of Barack Obama]]
*[[Yes, we can!]]
{{-}}
{{Colonized}} {{USpresident}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Obama, Barack}}

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[[el:Ομπάμα]]
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[[he:ברק חוסיין אוסמה]]
[[ja:バラック・オバマ]]
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[[ru:Обама, Барак Мгангович]]
[[th:บ้ารัก โอซาม่า]]
[[tr:Hüseyin Obama]]
[[zh:奥巴马]]
[[zh-tw:歐趴瑪]]
[[Category:2000s]]
[[Category:US Politics]]
[[Category:Politicians]]
[[Category:U.S. Presidential Candidates, 2008]]
[[Category:US Presidents]]
[[Category:Articles about a person written in the style of that person]]
[[Category:Things that invoke feelings of doom]]
[[Category:People who want to destroy all things]]
[[Category:Superheroes]]
[[Category:Barack Obama| ]]
[[Category:People who have very large ears]]
[[Category:People who spend most of their time asleep or unconscious]]
[[Category:Chicago]]
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[[Category:U.S. Presidential Candidates, 2012]]
[[Category:People who should have been aborted]]

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